the mother in me.

I haven't posted anything in a while, but I've started so many drafts. This one I started after Mother's Day, but I have more thoughts and feelings to add. 

On Mother's Day, my child was a nightmare. He screamed and whined and fussed for most of the day. Teething? Uncomfortable from the heat of the valley where we were visiting? We may never know, but to be quite frank it was not our best day. There were a couple of respites in the form of naps, and about an hour and a half of happy time, but in general....it was not exactly how I pictured my first official Mother's Day with a child.

There are so many times when I doubt my abilities as a mother. I suppose part of it comes with the job, but I believe the world is also a huge influence on this. I feel like I am being tugged in multiple directions at once, my attention gobbled up by one thing or another. One article online says this, while a friend on Facebook says that. Jake's pediatrician says one thing, but sometimes I do the opposite. Mothers are constantly judged, criticized, and gossiped about for their parenting decisions. And it's exhausting quite frankly. Overwhelming. Annoying. I feel like I have to post a disclaimer with every suggestion I offer to another mother, or with every decision I make.

With such a wealth...even an overabundance of information so easily accessible, I've found it difficult to rely on my own instincts. Often, I am left feeling frustrated and confused when I encounter an issue with raising Jake....in all aspects of his life. I had a little revelation a while ago, and now I'm trying to figure out how to live by it: I am not alone in this. I know this should be obvious, but for me...it wasn't. When talking with my mom about whether or not to take Jake to the doctor for some ailment, she asked me, "Well how do you feel about it? What does your gut tell you?" And I realized: I have maternal instincts; the key is listening to them. And then I realized: I have the gift of the Holy Ghost. My Heavenly Parents are there to guide and direct me--I just have to ask. I wonder...how different would my outlook be if I turned inward and heavenward instead of to yet another online article? Or even to a well-meaning friend or relative? How different might my whole life be if I did this more? Quite the revelation to my little heart.

*** * ***

I've been reading a book, aptly titled The Mother in Me (and the inspiration for this post). I was raised to think that books were not a thing to be marked in, aside from scriptures. However, when I have it handy, I've been highlighting meaningful passages left and right. It speaks to me: heart, mind, and spirit. This book is a collection of essays and poetry about motherhood, but it is so much more. I've never felt so inspired as a mom, or more inspired to record these moments of motherhood.

"Indeed, the significant moments of my life have one core: my children, their father, our home, and the covenants we've made which will keep us together until the end of time. These moments are etched indelibly on my soul [...] ponder those significant moments etched into your souls--and consider recording them. We cannot get those moments back, but we can hold onto them with words, making them as eternal as the relationships we so cherish." -Beverly Campbell, Foreword, The Mother in Me


3 comments :

  1. I love how you said that. We do have an overload of information and because of that it can be easy to forget we already have the spirit and inspiration from God. I'm not a mother, but I can really relate to that advice right now.

    Beautiful photo of you and baby!

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  2. You're such a beautiful writer, Kylie! And that quote at the end is fantastic as well. Life is full of so many difficult things, but we have to learn to be strong and see the beauty in it all. You are such a fantastic mother.

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  3. I love this. Truly love it. I don't know why I don't turn to the Lord more often about issues I encounter. It seems like such a "DUH!" moment when I think of it, so I don't know why that option doesn't occur to me more often.

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Thanks for reading! I love reading your thoughts, too :)